What does it feel like? How to describe. Lonely is an apt word, but it only skirts the surface. It plays with the inevitable; it tickles the possibilities that lie not so dormant under the reality. Desolate covers the feeling, the sense that no matter where we are, we are deserted in the middle of the invisible. What about forsaken? Given up on? Disregarded? Pick and choose, mix and match. Each feeling equals one certainty- there are moments and memories filled with nothingness, well, except for sadness and tears. And this is when the spin zone starts. The conversations that start like this…

“I like you, I do. But well, gee, you should understand I have other obligations, too.” 

“It’s not like I don’t want to hang out with you or answer your calls. I just can’t. I’m busy you know.”

“Why are you so angry I didn’t stop everything and tend to your needs?”

The sentences slash deep and permanently. The scars from rejection, the very stuff that turns the world into quick sand, are deep and dark.  The recovery, if it ever comes, s slow and painful.

I laugh on the outside. I joke I’m the weird one. I pretend I’m cool and awesome in my understanding of other people’s position. But on the inside, I’m lost. The common denominator is I. I’m the person in my relationships that is always and always and forever more, the last person considered. The last person protected.

Is this a product of ASD? Maybe. Actually, I believe it’s a contradiction that resonates so deeply because people with ASD tend to be far more dependable, reliable and generous with their support.  Because we put friendships first and foremost at the top of our ‘must have and love’ list, we expect others will do the same. It’s a theory of mind thing. We think others should feel about us like we feel about them.

I don’t think NTs have our sense of loyalty. I have to learn to deal with that. I hope you do, too.

Quoting my dad, a wise Aspie ~ “Take care of yourself, because in the end, you’re the only person who can.” ~ John T. Holliday, Jr.

There are call kinds of rape. Rape of the bank account when someone steals from you or refuses to pay a bill despite having the means to do so. Rape of the soul when a preciously held ideal is shattered by a traumatic event or powerful system. Rape of the heart when a love is crushed or a best friend finds a new best friend. Rape of a dream when a job is lost or a goal can’t be met. Rape of the mind when an intellect is stopped by a cruel instructor or dementia takes over. Rape of the body when “no” is not respected.

Sadly, rapes are everywhere and hit most everyone somewhere along their life. Statistics and personal stories from the ASD world show people on the spectrum are at great risk for at least one sort of rape, if not all. The comeback and recovery from any vicious pounding varies from person to person. For people with an ASD, the recovery can take a lifetime. Why? Because we think in pictures that turn to movies that form a cognitive loop incessantly powered by obsessive perseverating! That loop is dang hard to cut, but it is really good at cutting our self-esteem and our joie de vivre.

I wish I had some full proof ideas on how someone like me can get through the crusty bits of life quickly and safely, intact and prepared to move on. But I don’t. I have my own cognitive loops that will not stop playing. Sometimes they play loud orchestra style. Usually they play just loud enough for me to subconsciously hum along. Either way, I can’t escape the trauma for very long.

There are many great things about having AS. Perseverating can even be among those great things, but when it comes to recalling bad memories, bad situations, and the myriad of rapes that will inevitably occur- perseverating is one nasty predator. I don’t know of one full proof strategies to stop the painful looping, though cognitive behavior therapy seems to be the most promising. Frankly, I believe this isn’t a do-it-yourself kind of fix. In my ideal world, everyone joins forces to stop ominous scenarios. The mighty power of society can do much to protect us (and everyone for that matter) from the stuff that causes the bad looping. Think: truly effective anti-bullying education, stiff fines for slander and libel, peer advisors/helpers, wide spread sensitivity training held within corporations to schools and beyond, cultural awareness campaigns that promote kindness and respect, mental health courses taught as frequently as physical education classes. These aren’t new concepts, but they tend to happen in piece meal. What if influential people and institutions did everything possible to help protect the vulnerable all at once, all the time, beginning at a young age and continuing through out our lifetimes?


Just a simple thought here, but maybe if the media, civic groups, business leaders, governments, and each and every one of us spent more time on positive living thoughts than discussions wrapped around devastation and despair, we’d be able to take a giant step forward toward a culture of mutual concern.